so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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