when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
