I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Never underestimate the power of titties
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
