It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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