I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
