Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
