Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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