i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
