I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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