They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
