Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
