Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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