Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
