You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
