I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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