Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
