I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
