My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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