i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
