omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
