Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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