matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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