i can't believe i had my finger in that
My underwear smells like fireworks.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
