I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
