I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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