I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
