She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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