mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
