feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You ruined the universe
Randomize
