I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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