I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
