I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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