shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
