great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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