Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
