I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
