When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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