i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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