i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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