I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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