Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
