If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
