the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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