when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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