Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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