apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
