I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
MIDGETS
????
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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