Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
