I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
