I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
