obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
